Chapter Five: Episode 22
Religion Does Relationships
The secular world problematizes relationship conflicts as aberrations of the “norm,” abnormal, toxic, and violations of “what you deserve.”
Religion’s approach is different. In contrast, religion normalizes relationship stress as part of the human condition. It teaches its followers that humans are prone to selfishness and self-illusion – what Christianity calls, “fallen” or “sinful.” Religion’s sacred stories illustrate human families and marriages riddled with anger, envy, disappointment, and betrayal.
These stories teach that you cannot expect perfect relationships with mere mortals – and, by the way, you’re the most mortal of all!
How the Religious Do Relationship
Some Research
Yet, despite religion’s teaching about human selfishness and sin, its followers also insist that there is sacred value and even a divine design in family and marriage relationships.
The authors of one study found that religious practices (such as forgiveness) help at every stage of conflict. [1] They help, first, to prevent conflict. Then, these practices are a guide amidst conflict. Finally, these practices bring resolution to conflict.
Here are some quotes by those interviewed in the study:
“One of the basic teachings of the Savior is forgiveness so . . . if you want to be forgiven, the Bible teaches that you need to forgive other people. And, obviously we’re imperfect and we want to be forgiven, and so I think both of us bring that idea or principle into our marriage relationship, and we see that we have to be willing to forgive the other person and . . . that influences our ability to maybe forgive a little bit sooner than we normally would have because we know and believe that forgiving is a good thing, something you should do.”
“And, so it’s a commitment to, to a way of life. It’s a commitment to, not just for the here and now, it’s a commitment to make things work and not just throw our hands up in the air and say, ‘Well I’m not in love with you anymore; [or] if you can’t agree with that, let’s just bag this whole thing.’ ’’
“Well, I think the one thing that we’ve decided is that marriage is forever and no one’s leaving so, you’re going to have to work this out. We’re going to have to come to some agreement because no one’s going anywhere . . .”
“There’s no option to be angry or bitter at each other. It forces you to work.’’
‘‘We go to church in the car every Sunday. We each ask individually; each member asks every other member of the family individually for forgiveness.’’
Religion provides a unique and profound map that’s been tested over countless miles of marriage and family conflicts. Religious practices and communities show their members how to face the challenges of love and daily life and navigate toward peace. Indeed, in almost every measure of marriage and family well-being[2], those who are active in their faith score higher than those with no religious practice in these categories: marriage happiness, keeping the family unit together, fulfillment at work, lower incidences of children’s learning challenges, lower rates of abuse of alcohol and drugs – even significantly higher levels of sexual satisfaction with one’s spouse![3]
I and Thou
We’ve been focused on the stresses of human relationships, but let’s return to their strengths. As noted in our opening section, we need to be embraced, enjoyed, and feel connected to others for our wellbeing.
In short, we need to be seen – literally seen and spiritually seen. We need face-to-face relationships where we dwell in mutual presence, listening, and understanding. We need “I and Thou” relationships.
The twentieth-century Jewish philosopher, rabbi and mystic Martin Buber first used that term, “I and Thou” in his book of the same name.[4]
That phrase describes relationships where two people are fully present to one another, in open-hearted awareness and care, without any agenda or judgment. The I and Thou relationship helps us grow our inner life, authentic identity, and worth.
Yet, however profound, the most ordinary human relationships can be such I and Thou’s. As infants, we experienced the loving gaze of a parent, who delighted in our growth. In friendships, we experience the intimacy of sharing fun, secrets, and fears. In a romantic partner, we find that special someone who cherishes us, body and soul. These everyday relationships, in their very best moments, are “I and Thou” relationships.
I and Thou relationships are, at their heart, spiritual. Why “spiritual”?
(To be continued May 19, Chapter Five: Episode 23)
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[1] Nathaniel M. Lambert, and David C. Dollahite, “How Religiosity Helps Couples Prevent, Resolve, and Overcome Marital Conflict,” September 2006, in Family Relations (https://americanfamiliesoffaith.byu.edu/https:/brightspotcdn.byu.edu/b6/e2/f6f0e65540848fe6e991b5052c05/s-40howreligiositylambertdollahite2006pdf.pdf)
[2] See multitude measures, https://marri.us/marriage-and-family/
[3] See https://marri.us/wp-content/uploads/MA-116.pdf
[4] Martin Buber, I and Thou (Edinburgh: T & T. Clark, 1937)